Children often unwittingly brighten our lives with their childhood viewpoints and unintentionally humorous comments.  Our children are no exception.

I regret to report that a file full of the funny comments which the two oldest children had made as youngsters was lost in early 1998 to a complete hard drive death (from which I thought the file had been saved, only to discover later that it had not been recovered).

However, I have recorded here the ones I remembered most vividly and added many enlightening statements made by the youngest member of the family, who keeps us all laughing a good portion of the time with her cunning insights and observations.

I present to you our family's version:


 
1.  Overheard:
My youngest daughter asked my husband to play "Barbies" with him.  He consented to a bit of this sort of fatherly torture for a little while before heading off to work one morning.  As they were playing together, I heard my daughter explaining to my husband that Ken and Barbie were brother and sister.  I also heard a lot of childlike smooching noises.  My husband's voice came from the bedroom, "They sure kiss a lot for a brother and a sister!"  to which our daughter replied, "Yeah.  It's okay.  They are adults!"

2.  Children sometimes interpret our explanations in the most intriguing ways:
My youngest daughter was was using the bathroom and announced to me, "My potty is too little now so I use the big potty.  If I laid a baby then I would let my baby use my little potty."  I said, "If you laid a baby, eh?"  She said, "Yeah.  If I laid a baby, the baby would be in my tummy and I would have to squeeze it out.  The Mommy Doctor has to do all the work because the Baby Doctor is just there to make sure the Mommy Doctor doesn't wiggle."

3.  My daughter, at three years old, had the Burger King toy "The Invisible Woman".  She was playing with it and exclaimed, "I'm the Invincible Woman!"  Her older brother looked at her in disgust and said, "Justeena, it's NOT the Invincible Woman!  It's the INFLATABLE Woman!"

4.  While on a September trip to Arizona from our home in Oregon, we rented a white minivan.  Having driven from the airport in one hundred degree (plus) weather, it took some time for the vehicle's air-conditioning to get the van down to a comfortable temperature.  Arriving at our hotel, I explained to our two year old daughter that we would be living in the little house (our hotel suite) and driving the borrowed white car for a few days, but that then we would go home to our own house and our own black cars.  She then stated, "I don't like white cars!  White cars are hot!  I like our black cars.  Black cars are much cooler!" 

5.  As young children, my son and daughter would often take their baths together.  On one such occasion, my son yelled out, "Mommy!  Something terrible has happened!"  Standing only as far away as the doorway of the bathroom with both of the children visible to me, I replied sarcastically, "What happened?  Did your sister drown?"  His urgent response was, "No, Mommy!  It's WORSE than that!"  As I was trying to think of what could possibly be worse than his sister dying, he continued,  "Justeena made a poopie in the bathtub!"

6.  My middle daughter, at age four, once explained to my husband what to do in case he might ever have a bee land on his head.  She said, "You don't move and you get in the car and drive to the pet store so the person there can help you, or you go to the animal doctor because he knows how to talk to bees and he can tell it to get off of your head."

7.  One day, as my four year old daughter and I ran errands, she was asking me questions about a cold that I had contracted.  She asked, "Mommy, how did you get your cold?"  I replied honestly, "I'm not sure, Honey.  I guess I got it from someone else.  I think I picked up some bad germs."  Hearing this, she stated, "I think you got it from Daddy."  Thinking little of that statement, I said, "Oh?  You think I got it from your daddy?"  She matter-of-factly responded, "Yeah.  You got it from Daddy when he put his tongue in you."

8.  Here in the Pacific Northwest, we have a large variety of suburban backyard wildlife.  This includes raccoon families that have adapted quite well to the encroaching civilization.  Figuring that the indigenous raccoons have been here longer than we humans, I help them through the winter by supplementing their food supply.  This year particular we had three baby raccoons who would visit each night with their mother.  My youngest daughter named them:  "Eatie", "Droolie", and "Hungry".  The mother she dubbed "Watch-Mom".  When asked by my older daughter how she tells them apart, she pointed at the identical looking babies and exclaimed, "Because they always eat in the same order!"

9.  At four years old, my youngest daughter would sing constantly.  She was always singing at the top of her lungs wherever we went.  She would make up words and melodies, and just belt out her homemade tunes without embarrassment.  People were always commenting upon her affinity for song, though my husband and I conversed about how we were so used to it, that we didn't even hear her anymore.  We had both learned to tune it out.  One day I was shopping with my daughter at our local Costco.  As per usual, Vesper was in song mode, sitting in the child's seat of the cart broadcasting her thoughts for all to hear.  Also, as per usual, I was not really listening to her, but was instead thinking about my shopping duties.  It wasn't for a few minutes and after a number of stares from passers-by that I started to listen to the words of her song.  It was only then that I realized that she was singing, "This is a song about breasts.  I want to sing about breasts.  You have big breasts, and I will have breasts when I grow up.  Let's sing about breasts.  I like breeeeeeeeeeeeasts!"

10.  While driving one day, two emergency vehicles passed us very quickly going in the opposite direction.  My youngest daughter said that she thought they must be going to an accident.  My husband agreed and told her that was probably the case.  To continue the conversation, he said, "You were in an accident once, when you were a tiny baby."  Vesper gasped, "Did I die?"

11.  Every Saturday, my husband and our youngest daughter would go to buy doughnuts for the family.  Returning home while on one such trip, she became concerned that her father had lost his way.  He played along with the idea briefly, saying, "Oh no!  What are we going to do if I am lost?"  She matter of factly replied, "We are going to have to live in the woods and eat doughnuts!"

12.  During that interesting phase of potty training to which most parents can relate, my youngest daughter would sometimes disappear for a time for "privacy".  Unfortunately, every once in a while, she would complete half of the potty training process by removing her diaper without managing the second half, which was to use the toilet.  On one such occasion, she ran to me and in a voice full of pride announced, "Mommy!  I laid a stinky egg!"

13.  Children are so thoughtful:
One morning, while my husband was standing in the kitchen, our youngest daughter suddenly blurted out, for no apparent reason, that he is the "furriest" person in our home.

14.  My youngest daughter was talking, as per usual, to her father and myself in our Suburban as I was driving somewhere one evening.  It was wintertime, and the vehicle had not warmed up enough to run the heater to warm up the interior.  At four years old, our child was curious as to why we couldn't use the "warm air" yet.  We explained to her the reasons as she continued chattering.  She seemed satisfied with her conclusion when she stated, "In the winter we use 'hot air', and in the summertime we use 'hair conditioning'!"

15.  My young daughter likes to wear her hair in the style of two ponytails, one on each side of her head.  She calls these her "boing-boings".  One day, while wearing her boing-boings, she started pretending to be a puppy (the boing-boings were her puppy dog ears).  After a bit of this, she reached up and pulled her boing-boings straight into the air.  She then exclaimed, "Look at me!  I'm a horn dog!"

16.  Our youngest daughter, at three, had a habit of repeating just about everything that she heard.  One night at the dinner table, the family was discussing a particular boy who likes the middle child, Justeena.  Justie said that despite the fact that the boy had told a group of other boys that he liked her, he had denied it when she confronted him.  I said, "That will change when you get older.  Then the boys will be more than willing to admit their affections."  My husband joined in, saying, "Yes, Justeena.  When you get older the boys will be coming up to you and saying, 'Justeena, you're a hottie!'."  Not missing her opportunity to reiterate, the youngest piped in at the top of her voice, "Yeah, 'Steena, you're a POTTY!"

17.  Once, while sitting at the dinner table staring at her food, as my middle daughter tends to do often, she drifted into an almost trancelike state.  After several minutes of this "deep thought" she lifted her head and announced to all of us at the table, "I think...maybe...I know something." 

18.  My husband and I were once working on a construction project.  Our youngest daughter got frustrated that we were not playing with her and wandered away.  She came back a while later and handed me a note with scribbles across the page.  I told her it was a wonderful note and thanked her for her thougtfulness.  She looked at me very sternly and said, "Mommy, it says that I am running away and am going to live on an island!"

19.  Never underestimate the power of advertising:
After seeing one of those spoof commercials in which a "Log" replaces the well-known "Slinky" (..."It's log!  It's log!  It's big.  It's heavy.  It's wood!"...), my three year-old turned to me and asked, "Mommy, may I have a log?"

20.  While in an Arby's restaurant one night, our three year old was having trouble sitting still.  She stood up in her seat and out of the blue announced that, "Girls wear panties and boys wear underwear."  I told her as quietly as possible that she was correct but that she needed to sit down.  Undaunted, she continued, "Daddy and I are twins!  I am wearing blue panties and he is wearing blue underwear!"  At this point my husband was blushing beet red and I was scrambling to get her to be quiet.  I told her again to sit, and as she did so, she squealed, "But Mommy!  I know they are!  I saw his underwear when he was putting them on this morning!"

21.  One night, after an evening school picnic, I was standing talking to a friend of mine.  My husband and kids were waiting for me to finish so we could head home.  I finally gave my husband my vehicle keys so that he could take the children home using the car seat for our youngest.  I planned to drive his car home, as he had met us at the school for the picnic after work.  When I arrived home, I found that my son had left this "poem" for me as a message on my computer:

"I home and you are not.
You are proboably still standing in the same spot.
You will be back in half an hour.
By the time you get home the milk will have gone sour."

22.  One day my three year old daughter became infatuated with overusing the word "perfect".  She spent the morning drawing "perfect" drawings and dressing her dolls "perfectly".  At one point, she spontaneously ran up to her daddy and kissed him.  He exclaimed, "Oh, thank you!  That was the perfect kiss!"  Sitting across the table from him, I jokingly added in a dry tone, "From the perfect daughter."  My husband said to our daughter, "Do you smell that, Vesper?  That's sarcasm!"  At that, our daughter replied, "No, Daddy!  That's just YOU!"

23.  My middle daughter, as a somewhat chubby toddler, used to enjoy taking off her clothes at every opportunity.  During one such process, she became very interested in the fact that she was completely covered by her own exposed skin.  Proud of her discovery, she exclaimed, "Look at me!  I'm all 'skin'-ie!"  Her brother rolled his eyes and retorted, "Justeena, you're not skinny!  You're just naked!"

24.  I adopted a pregnant cat from our local animal shelter.  Six days after the adoption, the cat gave birth to three kittens.  I determined that one of the kittens was a female and two remaining were males.  My youngest daughter said to me, "Mommy, I know how you were able to tell if they were boys or girls."  "Oh really, Vesper?  How?"  I asked.  She replied, "You turned them over and looked to see if the boys had tentacles."

25.  My two year old discovered that our dog had finally had his wildest dreams come true.  A young squirrel had apparently missed a branch and fallen into his dog run, meeting what must have been a very swift demise.  Upon learning of the death, I advised my daughter not to get close to or touch the body.  I did, however, tell her that she could look at it from a distance.  After standing and staring at it for quite some time, she said, "Mommy.  Daddy.  I go in the house.  I get a battery.  I get two batteries and I put them in the squirrel's tummy.  Then it won't be dead anymore."

26.  One night, while out for dinner at a small, close-quartered sushi restaurant, my three year old daughter noticed the sumo wrestler in the tapestry next to our table.  A bit too loudly she asked, "Why is that man wearing a dress?"  I explained to her that it wasn't a dress.  Without paying much attention to my answer she continued, still too loudly, "Is he a boy or a girl?"  I responded, "He's a boy, Honey."  She exclaimed, "But Mommy!  Why does he have big nipples like that?  Girls have nipples that stick out, and boys have nipples that stick in!  His nipples stick out!"

27.  My youngest daughter was hungry and asked her father when dinner would be ready.  He showed her the kitchen timer and said, "It looks like dinner will be ready in about eight minutes."  He then wandered off into the living room.  Vesper joined him and promptly asked, "Daddy, would you bring that in here?  I want to see the time machine!"

28.  You never know when children are going to suddenly develop long term memory:
One day, out of the blue, my three year old daughter turned to my husband and asked, "Daddy, remember a long time ago when you used to lay on top of mommy and wiggle?  How come you don't do that anymore?"

29.  As a small child, my daughter heard the word "tumbleweed" in a song and asked me what the word meant.  I explained to her that tumbleweeds are bushes that grow in dry, or arid, desert regions.  I told her how these somewhat prickly plants have adapted to the lack of water, growing where little other vegetation can be found.  I went on about how they grow and eventually die, only to be uprooted by the wind and blown around on the desert.  I told her that they can often be found caught in barbed wire fences or blowing across lonely stretches of highway.  After I had finshed, I asked her, "So, Justeena, do you think you understand what a tumbleweed is now?"  She replied, "Yes, Mommy.  It's a dead bush."

30.  One day, while upstairs in my bedroom, my yongest daughter ran in and said to me, "Mommy!  There's a zert downstairs!"  Confused, I responded "A zert?"  She said, "Yes, Mommy.  There is a zert downstairs."  Still not understanding, I replied, "Vesper, I don't know what a zert is."  Obviously frustrated, she put her hands on her hips and said, "Mommy!  You know!  A frog zert!"  At this point, I actually clued in.  As I regularly purchased crickets for our lizard and our frog pets, I realized she was referring to a cricket.  I said, "Oh!  Do you mean a 'dessert'?  A frog dessert?"  She looked relieved and said, "Yes, Mommy.  That is what I have been telling you!"

31.  One evening, our youngest daughter was upset because we had asked her to eat her vegetables on her dinner plate.  She said, "Why do I have to eat my vegetables?"  I casually replied, "Because they will make you grow healthy and big."  She looked carefully at her father, and then at me.  She then responded, "Well, then, why do you and Daddy eat your vegetables?  You are already too big!"

32.  One afternoon following her pre-kindergarten class, my youngest daughter told me that one of the girls in her class had been mean to her for a while.  I asked her, "Did you two make up?  How did you get her to stop being mean to you?"  Vesper enthusiastically replied, "I just told her, 'You can ruin my day, but you can't ruin my destiny!'"

33.  One day, at five years old, Vesper commented, "I may look like Daddy, but my realities are more like Mommy's."

34.  As toddlers, the children would sometimes forget to flush the toilet after using the bathroom.  Whenever my husband would find a "gift" that one of the kids left behind, he would call out, "Who left me this love nugget?"  At my daughter's fifth birthday party, one of her special guests arrived at the door.  As Justie realized who was present, she ran to the entryway to meet her friend shouting, "Kirsten!  My Love Nugget!"

35.  Once, while roughhousing with my husband, our youngest daughter accidentaly slapped her dad across the face.  A little surprised, her father calmly advised, "Vesper, please do not hit my face with your hand."  Without missing a beat, she replied, "Okay.  I'll use my elbow instead."

36.  One day, while looking out from our dining room picture window into the backyard, Vesper exclaimed, "Look, Mommy!  There is a squirrel riding another squirrel piggyback!  Isn't that funny?  They must think it's a fun game!"

37.  One morning, while Michael was still in bed under the covers, Vesper entered the room and bounced up onto the comforter to chat with him.  She decided that she wanted to play a game of chase.  He said, "I can't play that game.  I don't have on any clothes!"  She said, "Well, Daddy, you can just PRETEND that you are dressed!"

38.  I attended a volunteer appreciation luncheon with a friend of mine who has a twelve year old daughter, the same age as my son.  For quite some time, we've all known that J.J. has a certain "affection" for my friend's girl.  The girl in question happened to be at the luncheon.  As her mother and I moved through the buffet line, her mom asked, "Do you want something for lunch, Kristii?"  Kristii responded, "No thank you.  I had a piece of bread this morning."  I laughed, saying I wished having a piece of bread was enough to stop me from filling my plate!  Upon returning home, I told my son about the little exchange at the luncheon.  His laughed and replied, "Well, at least I know she's going to be a cheap date."

39.  Along the same lines as number 38:  The family was traveling in my Suburban one day when our middle daughter asked for a math problem to do on the trip.  My husband said, "You haven't dealt much with percentages yet, have you Justeena?"  J.J. (who is two grades ahead of Justie) piped in saying, "I haven't even done much with percentages in MY math class."  I retorted, "You'd better learn how to figure percentages, J.J.  How else are you going to be able to tip properly when you go out on a date?"  J.J. replied, "I'll just leave two bucks.  A piece of bread can't cost that much!"

40.  Around Christmas time of the year 2001, Vesper's pre-kindergarten class teacher asked the students to draw a picture of something which reminded them of the "smells of Christmas".  Now, in order to understand what occured, one has to have the information that my parents are both chain smokers.  One must also know that we spend part of every Christmas holiday with my folks.  While the other children drew pictures of wreaths, trees, candycanes, cookies and candles, my daughter drew a picture of a smoking cigarette. 

41.  One day while my husband was driving, Vesper commented, "I bet the most fun part about knowing how to drive is being able to use the blinkers!"

42.  My husband and I were still in bed one weekend morning when Vesper came bounding into our room announcing that there were camels in our backyard.  Assuming she was kidding, we played along and asked her questions such as how she thought the camels would get here from the Sahara Desert.  Soon the whole episode was forgotten.  On another morning weeks later, I happened to arise and notice a number of deer in our backyard.  I called to the family to come and look.  That's when Vesper pointed and exclaimed, "Those are the camels!  Those are the camels I was telling you about!"

43.  After my oldest son and daughter, the two neighbor boys and even my husband obtained cards to play the popular fantasy roleplaying game called "Magic", my youngest daughter took an interest in the game.  One afternoon I had taken all three of the kids to a local game shop to allow them to spend some of their personal funds on cards.  While there, I bought the youngest her very own "Magic" starter deck.  She was so excited that as she danced out of the shop she exclaimed, "I have my very own 'Magic' deck!  This is going to change my WHOLE LIFE!!!"  Her older sister glanced down at her and replied flatly, "Vesper, it's hardly even going to change your day!"

44.  One day, while annoyed with my husband for one reason or another (see "The Annoying Things List"), my husband approached me and asked, "Are you mad at me?"  I responded, "I wouldn't say 'mad'..."  Vesper, at age five, was standing beside me.  She looked up her daddy and said matter-of-factly, "I would say 'concerned'."

45.  On the last day of Vesper's pre-kindergarten class, I went in to help with their "beach party".  At one point, one of her two teachers pulled me aside and asked me if the other teacher had told me what happened a few days before.  I told her I hadn't heard, so she began to explain.  The children were all up in the gym and the teachers were giving them instructions on which sea creatures to mimic.  For example, they were all told to imitate whales, so they all acted out being whales.  Next was sharks, so the kids behaved like sharks.  The next creature mentioned was a jellyfish.  Most of the kids wiggled their bodies.  Instead, Vesper put her hands up under her chin and was wiggling only her fingers.  She then asked one of her teachers if she knew what she was doing.  "No, Vesper.  What?" exclaimed the teacher.  Vesper pointed to her own head and said, "This is my jellyfish head!"  Then she pointed to her wiggly fingers under her chin and said, "And these are my jellyfish testicles!"

46.  One day I picked my three year old daughter up from the local grocery store play land, which I occasionally use while doing my shopping.  As we were driving out of the parking lot of the store, I casually asked her if she had played nicely while she was in the child care room.  Without hesitation she answered, "Oh yes, Mommy!  I was very, very good!  I told the boy I was sorry after I hit him!"

47.  One day as I was driving, my daughters and I were listening to the radio in the car and it was announced that a particular local couple had won a bridal show package worth $20,000 toward their wedding.  Justeena, my eleven year-old, said, "Wow!  That'd be great to have $20,000 toward your wedding!"  Then Vesper, my six year-old, piped up from the backseat with, "What's a torture wedding?"
 
 

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